David Martin is a 22 year old man from the Rose Hill area of Burnley in Lancashire. For 20 years of his life, David was a normal bloke living a very normal life. He lived with his adoring Mum, Jackie Martin, and spent his days hanging out with his mates at Top Break Snooker Hall. David also enjoyed a successful career as a sales manager of a company making parts for artificial legs.
David's troubles started on September 5th 2004 (now known as 'David Martin Day'), a few weeks after his twentieth birthday. Tragically and inexplicably, David began to change into a chimpanzee. Not only did he start to grow lots and lots of body-hair, but his arms also grew painfully long and his facial features changed completely. When David turned up at his mothers in a distressed state, his own mother didn't recognise him and called Rentokil to get him removed.
The only thing that hadn't changed was David's treasured 'Burnley FC' tattoo on his arm, but even that has been completely covered with wiry black ape-hair.
Overnight David's life changed completely. He couldn't tie his shoelaces because of his new troglodyte hands. He couldn't reach the handrails on the train to work, so he would bounce around the carriage and fall prey to the patronising hands of his fellow commuters. His career as a sales manager was over when he came into work dressed in dungarees and a bowler hat and threw a teacake at a top client. Sadly, a normal life had become beyond David's control.
In September 2005, a breakthrough! A scientific counsel consisting of leading doctors, scientists and local Burnley medium 'Brendan Crystaal', found that Warm Beer was to blame for David's tragedy. At least now he could take the first step on his long and painful road to a cure!
Since then a number of charities have launched to help Davids plight and to conduct research into discovering an antidote to this warm beer affliction. 'The Friends of David Martin' and 'David Martins Claret and Blue Monkey Army' have been tirelessly campaigning to help David and his family. We hope you can help us raise awareness!
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP
David Martin needs your support.
Tell warm beer how much you hate it for what it has done.
Click here.